


This isn't sometimes, it's for always

by virgochild



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - Fandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/F, childhood AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-03-15 21:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3462134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virgochild/pseuds/virgochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Childhood AU where Laura and Carmilla meet in a hospital playroom. Things grow from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I knew I loved you before I met you

**Author's Note:**

> While I do appreciate the supernatural elements of the original web series, I'm a sucker for non-supernatural childhood AUs with these two. So I decided to give it a shot. I have a few random chapters written down. Feedback is always appreciated.

But, Daddy, I want to stay in the room with you and Mommy.” The small blonde child persisted.

“Laura, honey, Mommy and I have to talk to the doctor about big people stuff. You’ll just be bored. Draw Mommy a nice picture while you wait for me here.”

Exasperated, the girl sighs in defeat. “Fine.” She watches her father walk down the hallway before turning her attention to the other children in the playroom. Besides the volunteer watching over them, there’s a raven haired girl, not much older than herself, sitting next to a similar looking boy, both with identical scowls on their faces. She walks over to the coloring station and sits semi facing the other two children. She notices them watching her and decides to make the first move.

“I’m Laura.” She announces and the boy looks to the girl sitting beside him before replying. 

“I’m Will and this is my sister ‘Milla.”

Before Laura has a chance to respond, the raven haired girl blurts out, “That’s CARmilla, to you.” 

Even though she’s only 8 and rather small for her age, Laura Hollis has never been one to back down from bullies. She shoots the scowling girl an equal look and says in a mocking voice, “Whatever.”   
She begins drawing a picture of mountains and trees because she knows her mother loves the outdoors and she hopes the picture will make her mom feel better so she can leave the hospital. Eventually the boy, Will, joins her at the table and attempts to draw something Laura thinks is supposed to be Spiderman. 

“Who are you drawing that for?” Will asks a few minutes later. 

“My mom. She’s sick and she always says there’s nothing a positive attitude and fresh air can’t fix.”

“I like that,” Will replies. “We’re here ‘cause our dad is sick too.” He pauses for a second. “But I don’t think either one of those can make him better.” 

The raven haired girl stood up from her seat with clenched fists. “Shut up, Will! Dad’s going to be okay!”

Laura looked up from her drawing and seeing how fragile the other girl looked, and forgetting how rude she was about Laura not being able to call her by her nickname, responded sincerely, “Of course he will be, Carmilla. That’s why he’s here.”

Carmilla was struck by how sincere Laura was that she unclenched her fists and sat back down. Will turned to his sister. “Sorry, ‘Milla. I’ll be like Laura’s mom and stay positive.” Laura looked back down at her drawing and pretended not to notice the raven haired girl wipe at her eyes.

“S’okay,” Carmilla mumbled as the door to the playroom opened and Laura’s dad popped his head in. Laura noticed the sadness in his eyes but didn’t comment. 

“You ready, little one?”

She nodded and picked up her drawing before turning to the siblings. “See you later. And remember to stay positive.” As she grabbed her dad’s hand and the door closed behind them, she could have sworn she heard Carmilla say quietly, “You too.”  
\------

As she walked into her mother’s hospital room, Laura felt a change in the stale air. She walked to the bed and held her mother’s hand. 

“Hello, my darling girl,” came the raspy reply. 

“When are you coming home, Momma?” The normally brave girl asked, her voice faltering. 

“Soon, my love. Very soon.” The way her mother said it, Laura wasn’t sure what home she was talking about. “Laur, there’s something you need to know. I’m sick.”

“I already know that!” the little girl piped up. “But you’re here to get better and then we can go camping and you’ll fill yourself up with fresh air and all we need is a positive attitude and then you’ll be okay! You have to be okay!” Laura was crying now, grasping her mother’s hand, never wanting to let go. 

“Shh, it’ll be okay, darling. You’ll be okay.” And despite the circumstances, Laura believed her.

\----  
The next time Laura saw the siblings was a few days after their first meeting. This time she was the first in the playroom. She looked up as the twins were being ushered in by who she assumed was their mother, a woman with the same scowl as her children. 

“Wait here,” the woman said curtly as she shut the door behind her. This time Will didn’t hesitate to sit at the coloring table with Laura. Carmilla sat in the same chair as last time. “Hi, Laura!” Will exclaimed, as he pulled a blank sheet of paper in front of him and began scribbling. 

“Hi, Will!” She replied enthusiastically before turning to the quiet, brooding girl. “Hi, Carmilla.” 

The raven haired girl huffed out a small “Hi” before turning her attention to the cartoon playing on the mounted television.   
They sat in silence for half an hour before Laura confessed, “My mom gets to come home in a few days.” She noticed Carmilla briefly glance her way before turning back to the TV. 

Will looked up from his drawing before proclaiming, “Really? That’s awesome! I guess a positive attitude really does work!” 

“What about your dad? When does he get to go home?” 

“He doesn’t.” It wasn’t Will who replied. Laura looked up at the other girl. She didn’t know what to say but she whispered “I’m sorry” anyways.

“It’s okay,” Will replied (even though all 3 children knew it wasn’t). “He’s been sick for a long time.” Had she really thought about it then, (and she would eventually, when she was grown and understood such things) Laura would know that the 3 of them, so young, were already wise beyond their years.  
\----

They saw each other the next day, in the playroom that had become their sanctuary from the white walls and sick parents. Laura was there first again, and when the children were ushered in by their mother, so different from her own gentle mother, she was mildly shocked when, instead of taking her place on the chair by the TV, Carmilla followed her brother to the table. Laura couldn’t help the small smile that formed on her face. 

It grew bigger when the raven haired girl started the conversation. “So, where do you live?”

“On Alexander Street.” 

Will’s eyes widened. “Really? So do we!” 

“How come we’ve never seen each other before?” Laura inquired.

“We just moved there. Daddy was at a different hospital but this one was supposed to be better, so we moved here for his treatments.” The boy replied.

“So, we’re practically neighbors. Which house do you live in?”

“The dark brown one, with the big tree in the front yard.” 

Laura practically squealed with excitement. “We really are neighbors! I live across the street in the light brown house with the garden in front!” 

“We should hang out then!” 

Will squealed back. “Totally!”

Just then the door to the playroom opened and the sibling’s mother walked in. Her face was sunken as she said calmly, lacking emotion, “William, Carmilla, come say goodbye to your father.” And with that the twins followed their mother out of the playroom, Carmilla looking behind her as the door shut.


	2. Somewhere only we know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becoming friends

As she steps outside her front door, and looks across to the house filled with mourners in black clothes, she spots the twins sitting underneath the lonely tree. Will has his arm around Carmilla, whispering something in her ear. Carmilla reaches up to wipe the tears from her eyes. She sees Laura across the street watching them. Laura is unsure if she should interrupt the moment but the look in Carmilla’s eyes tells her that it’s okay. She runs inside her own house to tell her mom where she’s going.

“I’ll come sit on the porch, love bug.” Her mom, herself still weak, replies.

Laura waits patiently for her mom, holding her hand, guiding her to the chair on the porch. When Emily is comfortable, Laura glances at her mother, who nods, before running across the street (looking both ways, of course). As she approaches the twins she slows her pace. Both of them are looking up at her, sadness in their small eyes. Laura sits on the step next to Carmilla.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly.

“Thanks,” the twins reply in unison, having spent all day saying the word, even though neither of them are sure what they’re thankful for.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, just children holding each other, shouldering their pain. Across the street Emily Hollis looks on at her daughter and friends, and thinks that maybe Laura will be okay after she passes.

The children gradually move from the porch to the grass, underneath the shade of the tree. Random family and friends of the Karnstein’s have been popping out every now and then to look on the kids. No one says a word to Laura, but Laura doesn’t mind. She’s there for her friends. By midday, their stomachs are rumbling.

“Milla, I’m hungry.” Will says to his sister.

Carmilla brushes him off, though her own stomach is growling. “So go get some food.”

“I don’t like what they have in there. It’s not even real food. I want a PB and J.”

“I can make us some!” Laura pipes up. “And we have cookies too.”

The twins look at her tentatively, then look across the street to the woman napping on the porch.   
Laura catches their stares. “It’s okay. My mom won’t mind.” She says as she dusts herself off. She holds out a hand to Carmilla, who hesitates, then accepts the help.

“I should probably tell Mother where we’re going.” Will says before turning towards the house. Laura and Carmilla wait for him, hands still intertwined.

A moment later Will comes rushing out of the house. “I want extra jelly in my sandwich!”

They giggle as they cross the street, (looking both ways, Carmilla giggling less than the other two), which wakes Laura’s mom from her nap. She smiles wide at the sight of the trio.

“Momma, this is Carmilla and Will, from across the street.”

“Hello, Carmilla and Will from across the street.”

“Hi, Laura’s mom.”

“You can call me, Emily.”

“Ok,” the twins say in unison.

“Momma, we’re going to make some sandwiches.”

Emily starts slowly getting up from her chair. Laura and Will rush forward to steady her. Laura raises her eyes at Will, who responds with, “I’m the man of the house now. Which means I gotta help wherever I can.”

Carmilla opens the door. Once inside, Laura directs the twins to the kitchen while she walks her mother to the bedroom. Carmilla and Will stand awkwardly by the table, taking in the room filled with cookbooks and flowers growing by the open window. They turn around when they hear a giggle.

Laura is standing at the entrance, smiling at the siblings. “You guys can sit at the table. I’ll whip us up some yummy sandwiches!”

They spend the evening eating sandwiches and cookies, playing with Laura’s dog Eleanor, until the sound of the twin’s names drifts in through the screen door. Neither of the siblings is eager to leave, but they reluctantly bid Laura goodnight.  
\----

It was a slow procession, though it was one the Hollis family had been preparing for. At first Laura couldn’t tell the difference until one morning over breakfast she noticed her mom’s movements were slower than they had ever been. Emily had barely eaten any of her cereal before she pushed the bowl away. Dave reached across the table for his wife’s hand.

Emily managed a small smile. “I’m alright, darling. Just not very hungry this morning.”

Laura watched as her father brought her mother’s hand up and kissed the spot that held her wedding ring. Sensing that their daughter was watching and not wanting to worry Laura, Emily cleared her throat and brought her hand down to the table, still holding her husband’s firmly.

“Do you have your school stuff ready, Little One?”

Laura nodded, still watching the changes in her mom’s movements.

“Well, finish your cereal so you’re not late.”

As Laura tipped the milk from her bowl to her mouth the doorbell rang. Her puppy, Eleanor, ran from under the table to bark at the front door. “I’ll get it!” Laura said as she followed the dog. She opened the door to see Carmilla and Will standing on the porch, backpacks slung over their shoulders.

“Hi, Laura.” Will said. “’Milla made us miss the bus and our mom’s not home. Could we ride to school with you?”

Laura smiled. “Sure. I gotta ask my dad but I think it’s okay. Come inside.”

The three kids, and Eleanor, jumping up at Carmilla to play with her, walked into the dining room. Laura’s dad was cleaning up the table. Her mom was still in her seat.

“Daddy, Carmilla and Will need a ride to school.”

“Sure thing, Little One. Just grab your backpack and say goodbye to Mommy.”

Laura rushed gently into her mom’s outstretched arms. They held each other for a bit longer than usual. Emily kissed the top of Laura’s golden hair.

“Have a good day, my love.”

“You too, Momma,” Laura responded as she took in her mom’s morning scent, lavender and honey.

As they pulled away so Laura could grab her backpack, Emily turned to the shy twins huddled in the doorway.

“And you two, have a good day as well.”

“We will. Thank you, Mrs. Hollis.” Carmilla replied.

“It’s okay to call me Emily.” Laura’s mom chuckled.

Just like Laura, Carmilla thought, which made her smile.

Over the next couple of months it became routine for the twins to ride to school with Laura. They would arrive early to have a bowl of cereal or a few pieces of toast with the Hollis’. Eventually it was just the twins and Laura, as Emily lay in bed and Laura’s father would stay by her side until it was time to take the kids to school.  
\----

Carmilla remembers the day. It was a cold morning. Colder than it had been. She wrapped a jacket over herself and waited for her brother to lock the front door. They had been having breakfast with Laura for three months.

Carmilla and Will stood on the Hollis front porch. Will rang the doorbell but all that was heard was the sound of Laura’s dog barking at the door from inside. They waited for a few minutes.  
“I don’t think they’re home, Kitty.” Will turned to his sister.

Carmilla noticed the car was not in the driveway. Not wanting to assume the worse, she tugged on her brother’s jacket as she started walking back towards her house.

Will caught up to his sister. “Do you think something happened to Mrs. Emily?”

Carmilla sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Let’s go wait for the bus then. Maybe Laura will be at school later.”

Laura wasn’t at school that day. She was a grade below the twins but since meeting five months ago they spent every lunch and recess together. Will sometimes went off with his other friends, but for Carmilla, Laura was her only friend.

At the end of the school day the twins loaded onto the bus. Carmilla couldn’t help the uneasy feeling she had inside. The ride home seemed longer than anything the 9 year old had ever experienced. When the bus pulled up to their stop Carmilla practically jumped out of her seat and off the bus. Even from down the street she could tell that there was still no car in the driveway. She knew that the Hollis’ had a doggy door leading out to their backyard, and that Eleanor always had a fresh supply of food and water. She didn’t need to worry about the dog. But the closed blinds and empty driveway frightened her.

Carmilla had known that Emily was sick. That’s how she and Laura had met after all. In a hospital playroom as Carmilla’s father lay dying and Laura’s mom was in for another round of chemo. And while Carmilla’s father never made it back home, Laura’s mom had. So Carmilla assumed that she was going to be okay. Even as the months passed and Emily no longer had breakfast with the kids, Carmilla thought she was resting so she could get better.

But the empty driveway seemed to scream at Carmilla. And that day she knew. Carmilla knew why she had to ride the bus to school. She knew why little, sarcastic, ray of sunshine Laura wasn’t at school. She knew why she rode the bus home that day. She knew why the driveway was empty. She knew as she stood on her porch and looked across the street at the closed blinds and empty house. She knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do it. I'm sorry. Things get better from here.


	3. To have gained, and to have lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thing that Carmilla knew happened is discussed. (Sort of.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I know I said there would be no more angst (at least for now), this popped into my head. I maybe promise that this is the last bit for a while.

Carmilla peered through the window. The Hollis car was still not in the driveway. Laura had been absent from school for three days. For three days Carmilla and Will had ridden the bus to school, had ridden the bus home, and every day there was no car in the driveway across the street.

On the fourth day, there was a car. Not the blue Carmilla was familiar with. In its place was a white mini van that Carmilla had never seen before. As the bus pulled up to her stop she hopped off, her brother following a moment later.

“There’s a car at Laura’s house.” Her brother responded as he caught up with his sister.

“You’re a genius.”

“Don’t be like that, Kitty.” Will said as they walked to their front door. “Maybe we should go over there and see if Laura is home.”

Carmilla pulled the key from the lock and pushed the door open. “It’s not Laura.”

“How do you know?” Will asked as he followed his sister inside. Carmilla ignored his question. She placed her book bag on the stairs. In the months since her father’s death she had become accustomed to a certain way of living. It mostly involved spending time at Laura’s house. Carmilla’s mother was a lawyer who spent the majority of her life working on cases, spending time at her office rather than at home with her children. Carmilla preferred it that way. But these last few days threw her off.

Carmilla threw open the refrigerator door. It was stacked with organic juices and vegetables. So unlike the Hollis house, which had plenty of homemade cookies and other goodies that probably weren’t very healthy. She was in the process of examining some funky “dip” when her brother came barging into the kitchen.

“Laura’s home!” He squealed.

Carmilla placed the gunk back in its place and shut the fridge door. She walked to the front room and lifted the blinds. Her brother stood beside her. Across the street she spotted Laura getting into the back of the minivan. Laura lifted her head and peered at the Karnstein house. Even from far away Carmilla could see the sadness in Laura’s eyes. Carmilla watched as Laura said something to the person in the front seat. Carmilla hoped it meant Laura was coming to her house. But when Laura climbed into the van and shut the door Carmilla closed the blinds and plopped down on the couch.

Her brother sat down beside her. “I think something happened to Mrs. Emily.”

Carmilla reached for her sketchbook that was on the coffee table in front of her. “I think so, too.”

Will picked up his Gameboy. They sat in silence for a while, Will battling some unknown fighters and Carmilla sketching Laura’s mom from memory. She softened the lines, focusing on the details of a younger Emily from the pictures she had seen around the house. At half past five, stomachs rumbling, there was a knock at the front door. Will jumped up to answer it.

Carmilla continued sketching, but she was listening intently. She had a feeling of who it was so when her brother said, “Hi, Laura,” she was not surprised. She knew by the way Laura responded that she had been right four days before, when she first guessed why the Hollis’ weren’t there to take her and her brother to school. She closed her sketchbook just as Laura and her father walked into the house.  
“Hi, Carm.” Came the voice that she had grown used to over the last few months.

Carmilla stood up to face her friend. “Hi, Laura. Hi, Mr. Hollis.”

Both father and daughter were showing the sadness in their faces. Still, Dave squatted so he was level with the Karnstein twins. “Have you two eaten dinner yet?” Because even though the Hollis family had been fighting their own inevitable pain for years, Dave and Emily had known that with the Karnstein’s father gone and their mother gone in her own sense, the kids needed stability in their lives. And though his wife had died four days earlier, and his daughter lost her mother, he still felt for the raven haired kids that graced his table every morning.

Carmilla looked over at Laura, who gave a slight nod. There were no tears in Laura’s eyes, though her nose was red. “We haven’t eaten yet, Mr. Hollis. I was just about to make something.”

Dave shook his head. “You’re only 9 years old. What are you going to make by yourself in this lonely house? Emily never would have-” He held back tears. “What time is your mom going to be home?”

The twins looked at each other before turning back to Dave. “We don’t know.” Will replied.

Dave stood up and held his arm out to the door, as if beckoning the kids to follow him. “Laura’s grandma is making spaghetti. Why don’t you leave your mom a note that you’re at Laura’s house.” It wasn’t a question.

The twins nodded. Carmilla went into the kitchen and left a note on the whiteboard. When she returned to the living room her brother and Dave were sitting outside on the steps. Laura was still in the living room, watching Carmilla with those sad eyes.

Carmilla didn’t grow up in a loveless environment. As far back as she could remember, her parents treated their children with love and happiness. It was only the past few years, during her father’s illness that the changes in her mother began. She went from being a caring, present mother to the distant woman she was now. It was during these past few years that Carmilla too began to change. She went from a happy, laughing child to the broody young thing she had become. So as she stood looking at her friend who herself had just lost a parent, Carmilla went and wrapped her arms around Laura. The smaller girl held tightly.

“I’m sorry, Laura.”

Surprisingly Laura did not cry. She had done a lot of that in the past four days. “Me too, Carm.” They held on for a minute before Carmilla’s stomach resumed its growling. Still Laura did not cry.

“My Gramma makes the best spaghetti.” She paused. “My mom’s mom.” Still she did not cry. To Carmilla, it was a testament to how strong Laura truly was. As they walked out the front door, Dave and Will stood up, evident that they too had been having their own moment. Carmilla locked the door behind her. The four of them, each shouldering their own private pain, walked across the street to the Hollis home, where the wonderful scent of freshly made pasta and garlic bread wafted through the house as soon as they opened the door.

Laura’s dog, Eleanor, sauntered up to them. Even she had lost her usual spunk. Carmilla followed Laura and Laura’s dad into the kitchen. Standing at the stove was a woman Carmilla had never seen before. As Laura walked over to the woman, she turned around. The woman, with slightly grey hair, looked like Laura and her mom. The woman reached down and pulled Laura up into her arms. She whispered something that Carmilla couldn’t hear before placing Laura back on the ground and turning to face the twins.

Luckily, Dave spoke for them. “Maggie, these are Laura’s friends that she was telling you about.”

The woman, Maggie, smiled solemnly at the twins. “Hello. I’m Maggie. I’m Laura’s grandmother.”

Will and Carmilla stepped forward to introduce themselves.

“Oh my,” Maggie said, “you sure are twins, aren’t you? Well, you must be hungry. Sit down and I’ll serve you up some of the best pasta you’ll ever taste. I’m a quarter Italian, on my father’s side.”

The twins and Laura and her father all took seats at the table. They all sat in their usual spots, and as Carmilla looked around, the absence of Laura’s mom was evident. When Maggie had served everyone, she took the seat next to where Emily normally sat. In her place was a vase of flowers and a photo of when she was a teenager. Before they ate the group held hands.

Maggie spoke, eyes watering, but never shedding a tear. She would do that for her daughter in private. “Thank you, Universe, for bringing us all together today. Though we have lost one of our own,” her voice faltered, but she cleared her throat and continued, “mother, wife, daughter, we are very blessed to be sitting here over this lovely meal… that I myself prepared, “ (because the Hollis/Walker clan would always maintain their lighthearted spirits, no matter the occasion) “with the next generation of this world. May you bless them with love and kindness, and to our Emily, watching over us wherever you may be, we love and miss you.”

Each hand was squeezed and as bellies rumbled, it was, for the first few minutes, silent at the Hollis dinner table. An hour later, as the kids dug in to a bowl of ice cream, the doorbell rang. Dave excused himself to answer it. Carmilla was about to put a bite into her mouth when she heard a familiar voice.

“William, Carmilla, time to go home.” It was her mother.

Laura’s grandmother stood up, walking over to Carmilla’s mother, offering her hand. “I’m Maggie, Laura’s grandmother. You have lovely children. They are so well behaved.”

Carmilla watched as her own mother took Laura’s grandmother in her arms. “I’m so sorry about your daughter. She was an amazing woman.”

Maggie still fought back tears, but the two women, somehow bonded by loss, held onto each other. Carmilla was surprised by her mother in that moment. Over the last few years she had grown to know her mother as a cold person. To see this side of her was confusing. They pulled apart. Lilita held out her hand for her children. Immediately Carmilla and Will stood up. Before they joined their mother the twins went to each of the Hollis’ (and Maggie, who was the Walker) and wrapped themselves around them.

Carmilla held herself especially to Laura. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t have to. As they pulled away, Carmilla followed her mother and brother to the front door. As the door shut behind her she raised her hand to wave goodbye. The last image she had was Laura raising her own hand, and Laura’s dad reaching down and scooping his daughter into his arms.


	4. Six years later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six years later (So, they're 14/15 and Laura has just started high school)

Six years later

“Carm, can I please move? I’ve been sitting here for like, an hour.” Laura squirmed.

“No.”

“Please? Can’t you just take a picture and draw from that?”

“It’s not the same, cupcake. Stay still.”

Laura moved anyways. She crossed the room to where Carmilla had her head buried in her sketchbook.

“Let me see.” She demanded.

Carmilla sighed, defeated. “It would look better if you wouldn’t have moved every two minutes.”

“I did not.” Laura reached for the black book. “Wow.”

Carmilla crossed her arms and kicked her boot-clad feet up on the coffee table. “It’s whatever.”

Laura flipped the book sideways, examining all the lines and smudges that was a drawing of her face. “It’s awesome, Carm. You’re amazing.”

“Whatever.” Carmilla repeated.

“Can I have it?” Laura whispered. She already knew the answer but thought it was polite to ask anyways.

Carmilla reached for the book and tore the sheet out. 

“Thank you.” Laura said as she held the paper to her chest. “I’ll treasure it forever.”

“Of course you will.”

Laura sat on the couch, holding the paper out in front of her, still in awe. Carmilla watched her for a minute before clearing her throat. Laura looked up, innocence in her eyes.

“You’re being very narcissistic.” 

Laura stuck out her tongue. “I can’t help that you drew me so beautifully.”

“You are beautiful.” Carmilla said without thinking. 

Laura turned to hide the blush blooming on her cheeks. “So, I was thinking we should do something fun this weekend.”

“No thanks, sweetheart.” Carmilla replied immediately.

“You don’t even know what I was going to suggest.”

“Knowing you it’s probably a Buffy marathon or something equally as feminist.”

Laura picked up a pillow from beside her and threw it at Carmilla, who caught is as graceful as a cat. “Thanks,” Carmilla mused as she slipped the pillow behind her.

“I’m serious, Carm. We should go on a picnic or a hike.”

“A hike, Laura? Really? You know I hate things like the outdoors.”

“But you love me and as my bestest friend in the whole world, do you really want to disappoint me?” Laura made sure to put on her best puppy dog face, pouting her lips.

That’s usually all it took for Carmilla to give in. “Fine. But not a long hike. And afterwards we must gorge ourselves on huge slices of greasy pizza.”

“Deal.” Laura turned back to the drawing in her hands. “This really is great, Carm.”

Laura was staring down at the picture so she couldn’t see the small smile that settled on Carmilla’s lips.  
\----

She was sitting in her usual spot, on the grass under a tree near the art building, finishing her sketch of a fruit bowl on a table when she felt the familiar body settle down next to her. Laura threw her book bag off to the side as she peered over Carmilla’s shoulder. Over the years Laura had seen so much of Carmilla’s talent but she still praised every sketch she was privy to seeing. Even if Carmilla had drawn a stick figure, Laura would still have commented on how perfectly straight the lines were.

“That looks good enough to eat,” Laura said about the particular drawing Carmilla was working on. Carmilla playfully brought the page up to Laura’s mouth. Laura gently smacked the book away.

“I hate high school,” Laura said as she began to dig in her bag.

“Everyone does, creampuff.” Carmilla replied as she continued her sketch. She paused and looked over at a group of boys shouting on the other end of the quad. Her brother was among them, along with his ‘bro’ Kirsch. “Except for them. Unfortunately some of us never grow out of that mentality.” She looked back down and continued her work.

“Mr. Armitage assigned us a three page paper on the significance of the Industrial Revolution and it’s relation to today’s growing technology. I mean, I still have a flip phone for Hogwarts sake!” 

Just then, two pairs of feet stood in front of Laura and Carmilla. “Hey, frosh.” Came the first voice. Carmilla didn’t bother to look up. Laura raised her head and squinted up at the two junior redheads standing before her.

“Hey, LaFontaine. Hi, Perry.”

“Hello, Laura,” said the second voice, Perry. “Hello, Carmilla,” she strained.

Carmilla merely put her hand up in what was supposed to be a wave, (though to Carmilla it was more of a dismissal).

“Do you want to sit with us?” Laura offered.

Perry snorted quietly before laying out her sweater to sit on while LaFontaine squatted immediately. 

“So, what’s up?” Laura asked.

“We wanted to talk to you about the journalism article you’re working on.” LaFontaine answered.

“Oh, yeah.” Laura mused.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t even started on it, Laura,” Perry reprimanded. “It’s due next Friday! And it’s a vital piece for the paper.”

“Relax, Perr. I doubt an article on the renovated arts building is going to be a real crowd pleaser.” LaFontaine joked. 

Carmilla managed to look up from her drawing to glare at them. Which LaFontaine chose to ignore.

“No, Perry’s right. I should at least have a rough draft. I’m sorry, I just have so much on my plate. I didn’t realize freshman year was so demanding.”

Perry leaned forward to squeeze Laura’s shoulder in what was supposed to be an understanding show of affection. “It’s alright, Laura. Just make sure to get a jump on it. Why don’t you ask some of the art students their opinion on the new building?” Perry tilted her head towards Carmilla.

Carmilla didn’t need to look up to know what Perry was doing. Laura looked over at her broody friend. Carmilla shut her book and looked at the faces before her before settling on Laura’s. “Don’t even think about it, cupcake. I already told you when you signed up to be on that ridiculous paper that you did not, ever, have my permission to use my name or opinions.” She threw her sketchbook in her bag and stood up. 

Laura shrugged her shoulders at Perry and LaFontaine before standing up to join Carmilla. “I promise I’ll start on the article. I’ll have the final draft ready on Friday.” 

As they watched the two walk away LaFontaine turned to Perry. “How long before those two hook up?”

Perry swatted LaFontaine on the arm. “That’s ridiculous, Susan.”

LaFontaine turned to Perry. “LaFontaine.” They said in a hurt voice.

“Fine, LaFontaine. Either way, that’s ridiculous. They’re just friends. That’s like making a bet on the two of us.”

LaFontaine looked down at the grass. If only, they thought.  
\----

Laura was walking to the parking lot, in search of Carmilla, when she heard her name from behind her.

“Laura, hey Hollis! Wait up!”

Laura turned to see Danny walking towards her. Laura smiled up at the tall, beautiful girl before her. “Hey, Danny. What’s up?” On Laura’s first day she had been looking down at her class schedule when she bumped into someone. She remembers looking up and seeing the most gorgeous redhead. She mumbled her apologies, the girl laughing them away (and what a sweet laugh it was). A few days later her dad introduced Laura to his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s daughter. Who just so happened to be the tall drink of water that she had bumped into and who Laura had subsequently been staring at from afar every day since. When she found out who Danny was, she attempted to stifle the mild crush. Sometimes it didn’t work so well.

“I was wondering if you had any plans.”

“For what?” Laura asked, head tilting a bit to the side. 

Danny chuckled. “Now, Hollis. Do you have any plans right now?”

Laura shook her head. “Not really. Usually Carmilla and I just sit and around and do homework or watch TV.”

Danny placed her hands on her hips. “Well, I was thinking since our parents are dating, we should get to know each other a bit more. I mean, it’s kind of awkward hanging around with them always nuzzling and being gross. What do you say? Want to grab a burger and catch up?”

Laura was a bit taken back. She recovered quickly. If their parents were dating, there was no way anything would ever happen between her and Danny. But Danny was one of the coolest girls she had ever met, so she would definitely settle for friendship. “Yeah, sure!” She replied, a bit too enthusiastically. She caught herself before continuing, “I mean, that sounds cool. I do have to tell Carm that I’m not catching a ride with her though. She’s already texted me like 5 times asking where I am.” Just as she said that, Carmilla pulled up to where Danny and Laura were.

“Laura, seriously. I’ve texted you a bunch of times. We would have been out of this grease pit 20 minutes ago.” Carmilla said as she stared daggers at Danny.

“Hey, Karnstein. Sorry, I was holding Laura up.”

Carmilla sneered. “Lawrence.”

Laura knew Carmilla didn’t care for Danny. She practically threw up when Laura mentioned bumping into Danny on her first day of school. But she had no idea why, and today it was evident that Carmilla really did not like Danny. 

Laura leaned against the passenger side of the car. “Danny’s going to give me a ride today. We’re going to get some food. Want to come?” Laura asked, even though she knew Carmilla would definitely not want to.

As expected, Carmilla scoffed. “And watch you shoot googly eyes at Xena? No thanks. I’d rather gouge out my own eyeballs.”

Laura pushed herself off the car. “I’ll see you later?”

Carmilla could have been cruel. She could have made a snide remark. She could have taken offense at Laura hanging out with Danny. But this was the girl she had been friends with for 6 and a half years. The girl who knew everything about her. The girl she had grown up beside, learning each other’s quirks and pain and triumphs. She also knew that Laura was really asking if she could come over to Carmilla’s house after hanging out with Danny. Like they did every day, like they had done every day for 6 and a half years. So, instead of being rude, all she said was “Yeah” before driving away without acknowledging Danny.

Laura stood watching after Carmilla turned the corner. Danny cleared her throat.

Laura composed herself. “So, what did you have in mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it's a bit different than what you creampuffs are used to. Feedback is always welcome. Also, you can follow me on tumblr. I'm not Hollstein exclusive, and I don't post anything about this fanfiction, but if I get enough followers, I just might.  
> virgochild.tumblr.com


	5. You ain't alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch, Laura, and LaFontaine

A burger and a plate of fries later, Laura was in the passenger seat of Danny’s car. They had spent their time reflecting on their parents, and how they had been brought together. Laura had learned that Danny’s father was still alive, and happily remarried. In turn, Laura gave Danny a brief description of her mother, nothing too intense. In truth, she had come to terms with her mother’s passing years ago, never forgetting, but moving on, as she knew her mother would have wanted.

Laura found Danny easy to talk to. She was friendly and warm. So different than Carmilla. Not better, just different. 

“So,” Danny said as she tapped on the steering wheel, “you and Carmilla seem pretty close.” They were parked in front of Laura’s house. 

“We’ve been friends since we were 8. Well, I was 8. Carmilla and Will were 9.”

Danny glanced over at Laura and smiled. “That’s very specific.”

“It’s what it is.” Laura responded.

“She doesn’t like me very much.”

“Carmilla doesn’t like anyone.” Laura said matter of factly.

“Except for you.” Danny smirked.

Laura looked to her left at Carmilla’s house. The curtains were still open, the light from the front room shining through. She imagined Carmilla sitting on the couch reading some philosophical text or maybe doodling in her sketchbook, fingers smudged with lead. For the second time that day, Danny cleared her throat to get Laura’s attention.

“Sorry, what did you say?” 

Danny’s smile faded. “Just that I have to get going.”

“Oh, okay. Well, thanks for the food. And the ride.” Laura said as she gathered her bag. “So, I’ll see you this weekend?” Their parents were planning a “family” dinner.

“Sounds good. See you, Hollis.”

Laura watched Danny turn the corner before walking across the street to Carmilla’s house. She knocked lightly on the door. A minute later Carmilla stood in the doorway, her signature smirk on her face.  
“How was your date?” Carmilla asked as she stepped aside to let Laura in.

Laura scoffed and threw herself on the couch. “It wasn’t a date, Carm. Besides, our parents are dating. It’d be weird.”

“Why? It’s not like you’re related. Besides, it does happen.” Carmilla replied as she sat on the opposite side of the couch.

Laura shook her head. “It’s just weird. Anyways, I don’t like Danny that way. I mean, I like her as a person but I don’t like like her.”

“You like liked her when you first bumped into the giant. You wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks.”

Laura waved the statement away. “Let’s talk about something else.”  
\----  
Carmilla is already on her third slice of pizza. They spent the afternoon hiking, then sitting by a waterfall. For how much Carmilla complained about being outdoors, she secretly loved it. She loved the sounds of nature and the smell of fresh air, and the reflection of the sun on the water. Plus, she was with Laura, who loved those things just as equally.

But hiking all day gave Carmilla an appetite. After their adventure they wound up at Dean’s Pizzeria, a large veggie sitting in front of them.

Laura reaches for her second slice. “Slow down there, tiger. The pizza’s not going anywhere.”

Carmilla bunched up her face. “Carm hungry.” She joked back as she took another huge bite, finishing off her slice.

Laura instantly reached out to wipe a slice of cheese off the corner of Carmilla’s mouth. “You’ve got a little something…right there.”

The friends smiled shyly at each other before Carmilla mumbled her thanks. They finished their pizza in silence, washing down the food with grape soda (Laura) and ice water (Carmilla). As they were preparing to leave they were interrupted by a pair of redheads.

“Great minds think alike!” LaFontaine beamed down at the two.

“Is this going to become a thing?” Carmilla grumbled.

“Anyways,” they continued, “Perr and I were just here to grab a slice before we head over to the cinema. You two feel like joining us?”

“Never,” Carmilla mumbled under her breath. 

Laura quickly shot Carmilla a “behave yourself look” before smiling up at the duo. “Thanks for the offer, but Carm and I already have other plans. We should totally make a plan next time.” She replied enthusiastically. 

As it was Carmilla’s turn to pay, she threw a bill down on the table and motioned for Laura to scoot out of the booth. “Hate to eat and run, but,” she said to Perry and LaFontaine, “actually, I don’t. Laura, are you ready?”

“Of course.” Laura gathered her bag and stood by Carmilla. “Do you two have plans tomorrow? Maybe we could lounge around at the park.” She turned to LaF. “I could really use some help with my science homework.”

LaFontaine’s grin grew at the mention of helping the freshman. “Sure thing, L. Text me.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow,” Laura waved as she and Carmilla left the pizza parlor.

After the dark haired/light haired girls left and the redheads had settled into their own booth, Perry commented, “Those two do seem very close.”

“I told you, Perr, I give it less than a year. They’re so obvious.”

Nothing more was said on the topic as the waitress came to take their order.  
\----

“Thanks, LaF. I really appreciate this.” Laura said to LaFontaine as they lay in the grass the next day.

“No problem, frosh. Anything to help the budding young minds of the world.” LaFontaine replied with a grin.

The two were sitting on a blanket, books and binders spread out amongst them. Each were lacking their counterpart, but found the other’s company to be quite comforting. Laura’s brain was crammed full of basic biology, thanks to the person sitting in front of her. They were snacking on peanut butter/jelly sandwiches, watching people walk by with their dogs and children.

“You know, this is the first time we’ve hung out together by ourselves.” LaFontaine commented.

“I hope I’m not boring you.” Laura squinted, shielding her eyes from the sun.

LaF waved the thought away. “Not at all. I like your company. You’re a cool being, frosh.”

“Thanks,” Laura smiled. “So are you.”

“How long have you and Carmilla been friends?” LaF had been wondering about the two.

“That’s the second time I’ve had to answer that question this week.” Laura mused. LaF waited for her to continue. “We met when we were 8 and 9. In a hospital playroom. Her dad and my mom were both sick.”

When Laura offered up nothing more, LaFontaine apologized. “I’m sorry, Laura. I don’t mean to press you-” From the little they knew about Laura, they gathered that she lived with only her dad. They also knew Mr. Hollis was dating Danny Lawrence’s mom. They didn’t know anything about Carmilla, besides that she had a twin brother and was cold to everyone but Laura.

Laura turned to lay on her side, head held up by her arm. Despite the topic, she was as warm as ever. “It’s okay, LaF. I know Carmilla wouldn’t be comfortable with me talking about her life, but my mom had breast cancer. She was sick for a while. I miss her every day but she would want me to be happy. And I am.” Laura concluded with a smile.

LaFontaine returned the smile.

“What about you and Perry?”

“Well, pretty much the same. We’ve been friends since we were 5. I was riding my bike when I stumbled on a rock. I fell off and scrapped my knee. Perry was outside playing doctor with some of her dolls. When she saw me fall, she ran over to clean my wound. The rest is history.”

Just then, the timer on Laura’s watch went off. “Uh oh. I gotta head home. Danny and her mom are coming over for dinner.”

LaF began packing their things. “I should probably get back to the lab as well.” When Laura raised her eyebrows, they explained, “I mean my bedroom. I call it the lab. You know, science geek and all.”

Laura chuckled. “Thanks again. I really feel like I’ll be able to ace this exam with your help.”

The junior clapped the freshman on her back. “Like I said, frosh, it’s no problem. Anytime you need help, I’ll gladly be here for you.”

Simply because it felt right, Laura gave her new friend a hug. LaFontaine was thrown off for a moment until they relaxed into the shorter girl’s arms. It was the beginning of a great friendship.


	6. Caterpillar, finally a butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla is 16 when she visits her grandparents in Austria and has her first encounter with another girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm horrible with summaries. I'm a horrible writer. I just can't help myself. I don't speak German. I did research and I can only cross my fingers that it's accurate. Feedback is encouraged.

She’s sitting on the beach, nose deep into a book when she notices a pair of lean, tan legs standing by her. When she looks up, it’s at a girl that’s just as tan as her legs with long, dirty blonde hair and abs that would make anyone swoon. Luckily, Carmilla doesn’t swoon.   
“Can I help you?” She asks in her usual tone.  
“Sprichst du Deutsch?” (“Do you speak German?”)  
“Ja. (Yes)” Is all Carmilla offers.  
“Woher kommst du?” (“Where are you from?”)  
“Kanada. Mein Vater wurde in Wien geboren.” (“Canada. My father was born in Vienna.”)  
Long-legs shifts her weight, “You’re here on holiday?”   
Carmilla puts her book in her lap. “Looks like it.”  
“I’m Petra.” The girl says with a smile.  
“Carmilla.”  
“What are you reading?”  
Carmilla lifts the book up so the girl, Petra, can see.  
Petra tilts her head, “The Metamorphosis. Never heard of it.”  
“It’s about a man who awakens one morning as a huge insect-like creature, thus burdening his family who do not know how to deal with his transformation.”  
“So, you’re smart and beautiful.” Petra flirts as she lays a towel down to sit. She’s relatively close that Carmilla can smell salt water and the fading of maybe too much perfume. This is the first time anyone, besides a drunk old man several summers before, had openly talked to Carmilla. Normally she stayed inside reading or resorted to throwing everyone dirty looks so they wouldn’t bother her.  
At another time she might have treated this girl the same way. But the past year she had been thinking a lot about other girls, so much that she was beginning to understand her sexuality. So now, sitting here on the Shafbergbad with a hot girl flirting with her, (she was flirting, right?) Carmilla decided to throw caution to the wind.  
\----  
The beach house is empty by the time Carmilla and Petra barge into it. After their initial encounter on the beach they snuck off to the liquor store. When they stumble into Petra’s family’s house they are more than tipsy.  
“Is anyone here?” Carmilla whispered as she plopped down on the couch.  
“Nein. My parents are at a party. We have the place to ourselves.”  
“Guten.”  
Petra stumbles over to where Carmilla is sitting. “Your Deutsche is pretty good. For a Kanadian.”  
“Just because I am from Canada doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten my native tongue.” Carmilla bites back.  
Petra laughs, something she’s done many times during the day, but it’s the first time Carmilla’s thought that she’d rather be hearing Laura’s laugh. She pushes the thought from her mind as Petra places her hand on Carmilla’s knee. Maybe it’s the alcohol that has made her brave. Maybe it’s the realization of who she is, Carmilla is overcome with the urge to kiss Petra. So she does. She pulls the girl in, lips brushing, arms pulling, tongues clashing, and yet this is nothing like she imagined. She continues anyways. When her phone beeps, (no doubt a text from Laura), she almost stops, before realizing that this is something she needs to do. Whether it ends badly, this is something she needs to experience, to feel, to grow. Petra is on top of her, kissing her neck. Carmilla thinks of all the ways this intimacy is wrong. She’s a budding philosopher after all. But it’s the alcohol. The damn alcohol that has clouded her judgement. It’s the desire that’s been building inside of her for a year for her best friend that she can’t stop herself. So she lets go.  
\----  
When she wakes up the next morning, she’s surprised to find a warm body wrapped in her arms. Her first thought is of Laura, so when she turns to find Petra laying in her arms she’s shocked for a moment to find an unfamiliar body. She reaches for her phone on the table, where she sees several texts from Laura.  
Petra begins to stir. Without the numbing comfort of the alcohol, Carmilla immediately regrets the previous night. She carefully extracts herself from Petra’s arms, slips on her clothes, and makes the proverbial walk of shame back to her grandparent’s house.  
She expects her grandparents to be gone for the morning, so when she stumbles to find her brother eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen, she’s less than thrilled.  
“Who’s the lucky guy?” Her brother asks the moment he looks up at her disheveled appearance. Carmilla doesn’t answer. She briefly debates on going straight upstairs or quenching the low rumble in her stomach. When her brother pushes a piece of toast at her, she pulls up a seat and scarfs down the buttered bread.  
“Well, where were you all night?” Will asks again after Carmilla has finished off the slice.  
“None of your business.” She replies, hungover and regretful.  
“Quite the contrary, sis. I had to cover for you this morning with Uma und Opa. They checked your room before they left. Noticed their precious endkelin was gone. They were very worried.”   
“What did you tell them?”  
“That you spent the night at a friend’s house. They said to call you and tell you to be home by noon.”  
Carmilla digs her phone out of her pocket and tosses it on the counter. “Funny. I don’t have any warning calls or texts.”  
“I figured I’d give you the benefit of the doubt. So where were you?” Will presses.  
“I already told you.”  
“Actually, you didn’t. Like I said, you owe me.”  
“Fine, I was with someone.” Carmilla relents.  
“I knew it.” Will fist pumps, nearly knocking over his bowl.  
“It’s embarrassing enough without your asinine responses.”  
“Okay, I’m sorry. Continue.”  
Carmilla considers lying. She considers making up a grand story about a six packed, chiseled, well-spoken boy who swept her off her feet. But she can’t quite come up with the words. So she opts for the truth. “I slept with a girl.”  
Will is caught off guard. “Like a girl? Like another girl because you are also a girl? So two girls, including you?”  
“Pick your jaw up off the floor, Willy Boy.”  
“Kitty,” Will chooses his next words carefully, “Are you trying to tell me that you’re gay?”  
Carmilla takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I think I am.”  
“Well, fuck. Does anyone else know? Have you told Laura?”  
“I haven’t told anyone, besides you.” Carmilla pauses. “I’m barely telling myself.”  
“Milla, I don’t know what to say.”  
Carmilla shakes her head. “You don’t have to say anything.”  
“No, I do. I’m just not sure what it is.”  
“Well, that’s all William. No more chit chat.” Carmilla gets up to leave.   
She’s halfway out the kitchen before Will clears his throat. “Milla, I have your back.”  
Carm pauses, one hand on the door frame. “Thank you, brother.”


End file.
